Blog : families

Below are the ideas and highlights collected from discussions groups at our October Here2Stay event around each of the 8 principles/pillars for encouraging lifelong faith. The discussion groups were context-based: ie parents; church leadership; and two mixed groups of children & schools ministry leaders, Para church organisations & those interested in intergenerational ministry.

Mission Engagement: Serve in Mission & Respond with Compassion

• Street Teams: A local faith community collates a list of practical needs from members of the local community. Families are invited to join a street team i.e. join with another family, group of individuals and volunteer for one of the tasks on the list. This could happen on a coordinated Saturday or set aside a month where teams choose their best date.
• Faith communities issue a local mission challenge for their families/homes: Compile a list of mission opportunities and invite families/homes to consider what their response could be i.e. the homeless people who sleep under the bridge each night. Families/homes then act on their own suggestions. Alternatively, the faith community doesn’t supply the list of opportunities – families/homes are challenged to come up with their own list and decide on one for which they can respond. In this process individuals are to reflect on 1) what they are passionate about 2) what they are good at/what are their skills and gifts?
• Faith Communities to hold a ‘Mission Month’ for acts of service as described above. Part of this process is to redefine ‘mission’.
• Churches could set up a local Facebook group to promote local service needs and to help people/families to connect with these needs.
• Give people of all ages a voice for serving into the big issues confronting local and global communities e.g. refugees, domestic violence, etc. Develop strategies for moving from the spoken word to the enacted word.
• Local faith communities or individual families/households to connect with local bakeries to deliver unsold bread at the end of the day to needy homes.
• Cooking and preparing food for local families in need. During the cooking process, the older can mentor the younger in how to prepare food and meals. The same process can apply for widowers who have not learnt how to cook. Ideally, provide opportunities for those who have prepared the meals to give them in person to the recipient.
• The BIG question is how to raise a consciousness and awareness within households about the opportunities around them and how to help them to set priorities as household groups to work together to serve. In so doing, the roots of individual faith will be planted more deeply into individual lives.

Divine Encounters: God’s Big Story & Encounters with Jesus

Challenges:

• Prioritising space and time for kids to encounter Jesus
• Do we need to teach kids/show them how to encounter Jesus?
• Children/young people need people walking alongside them to help them to make sense of their encounters with Jesus.
• We often try to fit encounters into a space and want to measure it somehow… how do we create space and expectation without forcing it to happen?
• God’s big story can be confusing too when we only get small segments of time.

Ideas:

• Prioritise some more flexible space and time in planning kids time.
• Think creatively and ‘outside the box’ when thinking about kids encountering Jesus- family devotions could be done while walking up a mountain or serving together. We can all encounter Jesus in so many ways, there is no need to restrict those spaces to 5 mins of silence sometimes.
• Routines are good too- setting habits,
• SU model different approaches to quiet times on camps and shared experiences together.
• Sharing encounters and ‘wonder or wow’ moments in intergenerational settings is important. Could 5 mins in a service be used to share one of these with someone in a different age group? Could family spots in services be used to share exciting things together about our journeys with God? It is encouraging to hear about God moments in the ups and the downs.
• God’s big story: Kids (from pre school to year 6) loved exploring the Bible timeline with items from different stories- they were then asked to place themselves where their story might fit.
• Timeline cards turn over to reveal: The Bible is one big story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.

Life Encouragers: Coaches & Mentors and Positive Peer Groups:

Challenges:

• Mentoring can seem like a ‘scary’ term. Need to demystify & educate on how simple it is to be a mentor – you don’t need a degree, but be a good listener, ‘along-sider’ and in some instances a skill sharer.
• Church can help make these natural connections for both mentoring & peer groups. Older members of a congregation may often never consider themselves as a mentor but just need encouragement, education and help to see they would be invaluable.
• We may need to re-prioritise our time to make space for something new – allow time for mentoring.
• Who are we mentoring & are we being mentored ourselves?
• Ideas:
• Natural connections present the easiest way to create mentoring opportunities eg. Parents mentoring their friend’s children, giving a teen driving lessons, neighbours children. Skill-sharing provides a great opportunity to mentor a younger person – fixing a bike, cooking – doing life together.
• Church as a breakfast between its two morning services. People are directed to sit at tables but are purposefully moved once or twice during the breakfast to help facilitate people mixing and creating opportunity for intergenerational connections to lead to mentoring relationships.
• Arrange church café style with tables & vases on table. Every person depending on their age bracket (primary age, teen, young adult, senior etc) are given a different coloured flower. They can sit at a table as long as it doesn’t already have their coloured flower present in the vase. This encourages intergenerational connections and again can lead to mentoring relationships being formed. It’s an intentional approach.
• Peer Groups: Church provides some great opportunities for positive peer groups. An example of a particular type was Boys Brigade – where leadership development, mentoring & coaching & peer-to-peer relationships are all present.
• Memorable Experience: Peak Experiences & Rites of Passage

Key ideas:

• Peak experiences CAN be about exciting, positive moments, but sometimes ‘negative’ experience may also become anchors for our faith (illness/ disability/ death).
• We talked about the roles of parents – churches – God in the ‘manufacturing’ of a peak experience – churches can set up opportunities. Parents can ‘buy in’, but it’s up to God and the individual as to whether or not a ‘peak experience’ occurs.
• Peak experiences can be a point of greater connection with those who share the experience (ie. a bunch of kids on youth camp will grow closer together, a family on a hike together with share a strengthened relationship.
• Peak experiences are typically where a person is taken ‘out of context’ to experience something different.
• Publicly acknowledged: church service/noticeboard/announcements/etc
• – special meal – letters/cards – praying together – scrapbook/photo album – special presentation/awards – hike
• Occasions: – baby dedication/baptism – starting school/school transitions – baptism – graduation – significant birthdays – ‘becoming a leader’  (leadership opportunities – school/church/Boys Brigade/etc) – gap year/travel – engagement – marriage – empty nest – retirement
• Key idea was that many of these ‘transition points’ happen whether we mark them or not – the key is to intentionally pause and recognise the moment and its spiritual significance. The way we celebrate should be individual to the person – ie. Not everyone will appreciate a scrapbook, hike, etc. – make it personal!

For each of us and our children, the journey and challenges will be different. Whether it is issues of sexuality, career options, belief systems, self-perception, narcissism or something else, there will certainly be times in our lives when we move from “one passage to another” and if not done well, it can stunt our growth in one of these areas.

I believe a key requirement of the spiritual journey is to go out, to leave home, to “fall” or even “fail”. Yet, It seems to me as a parent I have done everything I can to keep my children at “home” or “safe”. I have looked at the Story of the Prodigal all wrong. For many years, the message always came from the perspective of the Eldest son, who did the “right thing” and stayed home. That has certainly been my own personal journey. Yet, his loyalty in doing the “right” thing, his own entitlement, his quest to be obedient is what kept him from the very “celebration” that the father prepared, even begged him to come to. It seems that in Western society in particular, we do all we can as parents and even in the Church and/or Christian Schools to keep our children  IN the fold. We have created “eldest sons” and “Pharisees” with merit stickers, who can recite the books of the bible and can quickly judge those outside the church as “sinners” who need help. We forget that these are the people Jesus spent most of his time with.  Jesus never seemed upset with “sinners”. He had more to say to those who did not think they were sinners.

For each of us and our children, the journey and challenges will be different. Whether it is issues of sexuality, career options, belief systems, self-perception, narcissism or something else, there will certainly be times in our lives when we move from “one passage to another” and if not done well, it can stunt our growth in one of these areas.

“Western people are ritually starved people, and in this are different than most of human history” (R. Rohr, pg 44)

As I ponder on my teenage years and moving into marriage and moving out to create my own home, I feel that there were “rites of passage” that I missed, that stunted my ability to move to the next season of my life. The conversations that “good” Christians DON’T have about sex and relationships, rules that must be honored. I was so busy trying to keep the rules, that once it was time to move into the next “passage”, I didn’t know how to.

Richard Rohr describes this necessary process as “discharging your loyal soldier”. “Paradoxically, your loyal soldier gives you so much security and validation that you may confuse his voice with the very voice of God. If this inner and critical voice has kept you safe for many years as your inner voice of authority, you may end up not being able to hear the real voice of God” (R. Rohr, pg 46)

Nowadays we seemed to have thrown the “baby out with the bath water” and now there are no rules. The “rites of passage” become inconsequential because there is nothing sacred to move into, as it has already been experimented with at an early age. Nothing is sacred or special these days. This is just as sad and negative as living strictly by the rules.

So, am I saying that the rules are there to be broken, that the safe house/environment is to be created only to be left and abandoned? In some ways I am…which is very hard for me to say for an “eldest son” who has stayed in God’s house all her life, although I would like to think that I have fought the system from within. It is hard for me to say as a parent with an 18 year old son who is about to leave all that we have tried to create for him for the past 18 years, to go into the world where he must journey to find who he is for himself. It is hard for me to say as a teacher/speaker who longs to see safe environments across the ages, growing and learning together and parents fully engaged with their kids on this journey.

The legalist in me honor’s the guidelines God sets, fully knowing that it is often when they are broken that we come to understand more fully His love ad grace. I am thankful for that in my own personal faith walk. For me it means the intentional “rites of passage” and the “safe places” we create are even more important. They are important because when one “fails or falls” or doubts and questions or even walks away for whatever reason, there is always potential for growth, even total transformation, because there is a safe place to process. This is a better option than hiding, growing bitter, escaping, blaming or settling and living as a victim all your life. There is way too much of that happening in families, in the church and in the world today.

But there is fine balance we walk, between teaching and living in a way that honour’s God and acknowledging that when we “fall” (and we all will) that He is a safe place to process this through. One of the “fallings” of the church /faith community I see is that we try to keep our “failings” secret. I have found as a Pastor that people don’t like me talking about my “fallings”… we must keep it all upbeat and positive. Pastors are supposed to have it all together. When we keep our spiritual walk private, we don’t have accountably. Conflict resolution, painful relationships and differences of opinions have not been handled very well in many of the church communities I have been a part of throughout my life. It is sad that we are not able to be an example to the world in the way that we live and love each other. That is a direct command from God for the community of faith that He is very clear about. The journey is meant to be done together, in true community, which sometimes means seeing “the good, the bad and the ugly,” instead of simply aiming to show our “best face” on a Sunday morning.

Some of our “fallings” as parents come when we do the same; we feel we need to present as if we have it all together, to our children and to each other. Some of the most significant times as a parent with our kids are times when we have shown them that we have messed up, made a mistake, needed to say “sorry”. I worry about parents who aren’t able to be vulnerable with their kids at times, homes that are always happy and where there are no arguments or tears. How can they ever live in a way that helps their children understand how to process difficult times?  As parents in community together, I have found the hardest people to walk with are protective parents; either protecting their own kids, or protecting their reputation. This makes change and growth very difficult. When we are spending all our energy “saving face” and not letting our kids “fall” or venture out for fear of falling, we can very rarely get to the actual issues. When we shut down, over-protect, emotionally react, close ranks, we stunt everyone’s growth.

“Sin happens when we refuse to keep growing.” St Gregory of Nyssa

When it comes to “rites of passage”, how can this help the process? I don’t know about your experience, but I am surprised by just how many opportunities and changes happen within a child’s life from the age of 0-18, let alone what happens in adulthood. There are so many opportunities we miss to move from “passage to passage,” opportunities to put “words” and “anchor points” to massive changes and growth. Almost every year in a person’s life in the early years has potential to create moments. From learning to talk to God and others, to pre-school, to friends, to social interaction, learning responsibility, puberty, decisions for Christ, significant others who speak into their life, driving, intellectual achievements, spiritual disciplines, relating to the opposite sex at all different ages, independence, gift development, conflict resolution, playing a part in the family and then in society, becoming other centered.  There is something always changing.

As a family we have found being strategic and intentional each year with key focuses have helped us navigate life together and as result we have created our own little “rites of passages” along the way. I believe these have helped form our kids to where they are today.  And, in many ways it has been about putting up boundaries and them breaking them, resetting the boundaries and re-checking our own responses over and over again, while always applying grace, love and forgiveness.

I do believe a key requirement of the spiritual journey is to go out, to leave home, to “fall” or even “fail”. The questions I must ponder as a parent and a person who is a part of a faith community are;

Do I encourage our young ones to “go” or am I pressuring them to “stay”?

When one “falls”, do they feel safe enough to share the load or do they feel they have to hide it?

Have the “passages” been celebrated and communicated well enough that our young people are prepared to move through them in a healthy way?

What can I do to be a part of creating a HOME and FAITH COMMUNITY which lives in such a way that the world will know we are His children living under grace and love and forgiveness?